How often we hear from relatives, friends, colleagues and even strangers requests, demands, pleas, and sometimes orders!
Yet many of us feel awkward, insecure, and guilty if we have to say no. This article is about why it is important and so necessary to overcome fear and learn to say "no".
It is a pity that there are only two words in the world: "Yes" and " No»
In life, periodically there is a need to refuse a request, to say" no " decisively and firmly. This can be difficult, especially when asked by a loved one or boss. On the other hand, if you never refuse anyone, time and energy to implement their own plans, to live their own lives will be little.
To get rid of fear and doubt, to find the right words and learn to refuse politely, calmly and with dignity, it is necessary to understand why it is so difficult to say "no".
3 causes and many consequences of reliability
1. The first reason: the fear of losing love, friendship, respect and kindness to yourself. It comes from the sandbox, i.e. from early childhood, when a child unconsciously absorbs everything taught by his parents. And they inspire: it is necessary to share with other guys! And Express dissatisfaction, shame baby, if he refuses to play with a favorite car or doll. The little man feels ambivalent feelings: on the one hand, to give the toy is very, very reluctant, on the other-he is afraid to cause dissatisfaction of parents, to lose their love. It's a tough choice for a two-or three-year-old.
So gradually born fear to refuse. Growing up, such a person continues to live by the principle:"I must always help and give, even if I do not want or can not." Problems that are rooted in early childhood can not be easy to solve without the help of an experienced psychologist.
2. The second reason for the fear of saying " no " is the fear that people will also refuse to help when they need it. "As it will come back, so it will respond" - we hear Proverbs like this from childhood and get used to give our time, energy and what we need in exchange for a good attitude and location of others. And then we pay a very high price for it: we waste our energy and emotions, often not getting what we tried for.
Around the person who ignores his needs and interests, wanting to be good for everyone, people who are prone to manipulation gather. They are shamelessly using his guilt to their advantage, even more driven into a state of self-doubt and helplessness before the circumstances.
3. Excessive dependence on other people, fear of loneliness – another reason for reliability. The dependent person thinks something like this: "If I refuse now, then my friends and colleagues will turn away from me, they will decide that I am an unreliable friend and a callous person. I'd rather do what they ask." Dependent on the opinions of others, such adults grow out of children deprived of unconditional acceptance by their parents. Their moms and dads quite often said, "If you behave, then I'll buy you a bike, a doll," or " You're a bad boy (girl), so I don't love you anymore. You have to help mom!".
The fear of being rejected, forgotten, abandoned and deprived of affection, warmth and tenderness is so strong in the mind that it is impossible to refuse anything to anyone who applied with a request or a wish. And let alone the requirements and say no! Here the person is simply in a stupor. How dare he refuse a stronger and more powerful individual!
7 losses due to fear of failure. Or WHY it is NECESSARY to learn to say " no»
Connection with his own "I", with his feelings and desires: a person does not even understand what feelings he feels, his or someone else's desires.;
Forces-physical and mental: due to regular dissatisfaction with a deteriorating health, lost interest in life, there is apathy and depression;
Time: it is irrevocably spent on the implementation of the desires of other people, no time to do yourself, relax, think;
Confidence: initially low self-esteem falls below the plinth if you constantly feel like a thing that is used;
Respect for others: people take help for granted, do not appreciate the work and time spent by the performer, sometimes forgetting to just thank;
Personal space: not able to confidently refuse "sit on the neck" all and Sundry, anyone has the right to ask and wait for the " order» ;
Freedom: others get used to using a trouble-free person in their own interests, claiming his territory, time and money.
How to learn to confidently refuse without feeling remorse, you can read the article, which will be released in the near future.