You sit in splendid isolation, do not answer calls and texts, thoughtfully swallow cold tea and doubt whether to forgive him? Well admit it, because in your head there are thoughts that you need to have pride, a man not worthy of you tomorrow and do you imagine another hundred will find these?
My dear, let's be honest: your decision will depend on how seriously your man messed up. There's a big difference between” Forgot to pick me up from work “and” he cheated on me."
• In the first case, everything is solved simply. You pout, play the Snow Queen, he will bring you a huge bouquet, a brand new IPhone or a ticket to exotic Islands — and magically your resentment evaporates.
* If the grievance is serious, the situation becomes more complicated. Because you can't forgive someone with a snap of your fingers. Even if you listened to my mother's advice that " Time heals”, held a session of psychotherapy in the arms of a friend or read a couple of smart books. Because you feel pain, resentment, anger and a whole bunch of negative feelings — and they will not go away. Even if a man 300 times will ask forgiveness and will promise be white and fluffy.
And it's bound to explode because your feelings don't get out.
Give examples. The girl says: “I decided to forgive the betrayal and start a relationship with a clean slate.” It takes a couple of months — and the man is delayed at work. Here he needs an urgent project to finish.
What will the girl do?
Calmly watching TV and crunching chips? Hardly. In her mind already emerging colorful images than he can deal with the Secretary. She will call, write, eat a teaspoon of the brain and throw tantrums. Does that sound like “starting over " to you?”
Or a woman who " forgot everything” but remembers a man's sins at every opportunity. “I've forgiven you, I'm trying to save my family, and you don't even want to give up fishing for me” — in my opinion, it's very similar to manipulation and blackmail.
What does a man have to do to be forgiven?
My dear, answer me honestly, you tried to ask yourself just one question “ " What should a man do to make me forgive him?"Because many women can not give themselves a clear answer. And options like:
* Let him buy me a car.
* Pay for shopping.
* Ask for forgiveness on his knees and give 1000 and 1 rose-it's just a beautiful scene from the movie or a good opportunity to fulfill your wishes.
Yes, at this moment you will melt like ice cream, you are pleased that the man in front of you walks on tiptoe and literally reads all the desires from your subconscious. What next? The bouquet will wither, the fur coat will go to the closet, and the resentment and anger will remain.
It is very important that you understand that a man will not be able to rid you of all this range of negative feelings, even if he floods you with flowers. Only you can do it yourself.
Suppose you're determined not to forgive a man. Throw him out with the suitcases and find someone less troublesome. And now you're entering into a new relationship. With a load of unsolicited resentment from a former partner. You will look at the new man through the rearview mirror, through the prism of their feelings, which remained inside you.
He, in fact, even messed up has not yet had time, and you already expect from him some trick. Especially if he has the same name, or eye color, or Zodiac sign. You'll find something to dig into. And you know, your behavior provokes a repetition of the situation. And then you'll complain that all real men are extinct and attracting goats is your karma.
What to do next?
A favorite phrase of many women: "it's all his fault." You know, maybe you're right. That's just what it will help you? I've always been surprised by women who refuse to work on themselves.
"Why should I go on a course to Yaroslav? It's the man's fault! Let him come to me, apologize, give me money. And somehow unfair: he offended, and in therapy I have to go!”
Look at your life from the perspective of the author, not the victim of circumstances. It's your emotions, your body, your relationships, your mind. Ask yourself the question: "Do I enjoy cooking in all this?”
But if you want to transform these emotions, so they do not interfere to revive the old or build a new relationship with a man — you have to work hard on yourself.
There are no magic pills! No Superman is coming to heal your heart with love. Because falling in love will pass quickly, and the same feelings that you've been hiding will come out.
* If you think that all men are the same, and only dream to stick his nose in someone else's bed, who will you attract? A partner who will hurt you again.
* If you are 100% working program "I-myself" , and you think men are weak, who will be attracted to you? A half-man who'll fit snugly around your neck. Because you're not worthy take on the weak “come prove you're not like that”. He does not need to compete and fight for leadership, he needs a normal woman with whom he will not have to fight.
3 steps to solve the problem
1. Work out your feelings with a specialist. On trainings or on individual consultation. Remember, my dear, "couch" psychologists-mom and friends, only harm. They do not help to work out and let go of grievances, they help to find a scapegoat. And you need not to engage in complacency, but to get rid of the heavy feelings that won't let you be happy.
2. Make the right decision. Not correct from the viewpoint of mom, roommates, or psychologist. If you're determined to end the relationship, do not listen if you will say “He's a good, well slipped, it happens. Where else would you find a man like that?"A woman who loves and respects herself will never agree to anything less than worthy. And I believe that you deserve to be happy!
Decided preserve relations — make sure, that in this interested not you one. After all, what is resentment? It is a feeling that arises when a person's words or actions do not meet your expectations, do not fit into your picture of the world.
And if a man promises to do everything not to hurt you, and is willing to work on a relationship — it is worth giving him a chance. But if you yourself decided to keep the sinking boat-it's a wasted effort.
3. Keep evolving. Because there will be times when you want to remind him sarcastically: "do you remember what you did three years ago?"Don't. Work on your emotions, your state, do not transfer this negative to a man.