Events like to repeat themselves. You've probably heard stories about women who marry an alcoholic, get divorced, get married again... and again he turns out to be an alcoholic. Then say, that this it has fate such a. Can blame, saying that she is so that men from her drink. It is sometimes said that she subconsciously searches for alcoholics. There is some truth in the last statement.
In fact, no one, of course, is looking for an alcoholic. We're just looking for a familiar. People don't like the unknown. Because the unknown causes fear. And it is natural that we choose those situations and those people who do not cause us a sense of anxiety. So many of us are doomed to repeat the same experience.
The subconscious is conservative, but it is also very observant. Meeting different people, we instantly classify them based on their experience. And if we had a personal relationship with a certain class of people, we will try to repeat it. This strategy sounds like " better known evil than something unknown."
You can draw an analogy with driving to work. We try to drive on a known route, despite all the traffic jams, traffic lights and all the shortcomings of this route, because if we choose another route, there is a risk that the new route will be even worse than the previous one and we will be late for work. The shortest way is the one you know.
This strategy is not so bad, very often it works to our advantage, but only if we sometimes do experiments and try new things. But unfortunately not always experiments are possible. We are limited in experiments for example in personal life. We can't get married every six months, because the idea of marriage involves a long-term relationship. Yes and life our short for such radical experimentation.
If we are talking about people, it should be borne in mind that not only do we choose with whom to communicate, but we choose. That alcoholic man is also looking for something familiar in a woman. He also subconsciously chooses the one that is similar to the previous one.
How to be?
To change the life scenario, you need to do two things: change your attitude to the situation and change yourself. After all, not only do we choose circumstances, but circumstances choose us.
But in order to do all this, you need to know in which direction to change your attitude and in which direction to change.
How to know?
There aren't many ways. Chief among them is observation. Look at successful people from your point of view and study them. Analyze their personal qualities, find out how they react to different situations in their lives. After that, try to act as well.
This way is not easy. Change is always hard. Will have face with their fears, inevitable mistakes and losses. But as a result, you can become stronger and happier. I think it's worth the effort.
But the main thing to remember is that it is impossible to change the life scenario without destroying the old one, with all the ensuing consequences.
What is confidence?
Before you train confidence, you need to understand what it is and what we actually will improve. To determine this, you must first understand what "uncertainty" is.
When do we feel insecure? Almost all manifestations of this feeling can be reduced to the formula — “We are uncertain when we do not know what to do.” Just like that. Uncertainty is not knowing what to do, and the fear that comes from not knowing. It turns out that confidence is when we know what to do and we have no fear.
Let me give you an example. Take confident driving. What is it? It's just clarity of decision making on the road. A confident driver feels when to change lanes, when to brake, he does not hesitate. Why? Because he knows how to assess the situation, thanks to his experience.
Now we're getting to the point. There is no all-encompassing "certainty," but simply competence in various areas of life. Confident man when meeting sure not because it is an innate quality, but because he knows how to get acquainted. This is nothing new to him, and therefore he has nothing to fear.
A confident speaker is confident because he knows exactly what to say. A confident fighter is confident because he is fluent in combat technique. When a player confidently leads the ball-it means that he leads it skillfully.
That is why, confident in one thing, can be utter mumble in another. A confident CEO can turn into a cowed Bunny when he has to perform in front of people.
Competence is the basis of confidence
It follows that in order to become more confident, you need to increase your competence in the area in which you want to succeed, and confidence will come by itself. Confidence in one area does not guarantee confidence in another.
It may be objected that how so, because there are people who succeed even in those areas in which they do not understand. Problem!
No problem. The thing is that these people feel exactly the same uncertainty as everyone else, but they can overcome it. They know how to overcome fear, to transcend themselves. This is a special skill that can be trained.
That is why in my consultations and trainings I do not promise that I will develop clients ' confidence and everything will be easy. I help people develop a special behavioral skill that allows them to overcome fears.
It may seem that not everything fits into this model. Take the behavior of students during the exam. Many students believe that they know the material well, but feel insecure.
The fact that the students on the exam is not quite firmly learned the knowledge and they clearly assess that it may forget something on the exam and it causes them fear. Knowledge on the exam can not be called solid, because the student often has not yet shown.