Is it necessary to adapt to someone? Sacrifice your interests for the sake of others? Many will say Yes. But in this article I will explain to you why this is not quite true.
Of course, there are times when it is necessary to adapt to others. For example, when a child is born in the family, the parents are forced to significantly change their lives. Or when we are asked about something directly. And rightly so.
However, it is not always necessary to adapt, at least for the simple reason that we do not always know what people need. It may be that adjusting to another, we only complicate our relationship with him.
The Abilene Paradox
There is one curious cognitive distortion, the Abilene paradox, which is named after an unfunny American anecdote.
Example 1
One hot Texas evening, a family played dominoes on the porch until his father-in-law suggested they go to Abilene for dinner. The wife said, " that Sounds good." The husband, despite the fact that the trip promised to be long and hot, I thought that it would be necessary to adapt to the others and said, "I think; I hope that your mother will not refuse." Mother-in-law same answered: "of Course, go! I haven't been to Abilene in a long time."
The road was hot, dusty and long. When they finally arrived at the cafeteria, the food was not good. Four hours later, exhausted, they returned home.
One of them said insincerely: "Right, it was a good trip?". The mother-in-law said that, in fact, she would rather have stayed at home, but went, since the other three were full of enthusiasm. The husband said: "I would be glad not to go anywhere, I went only to give pleasure to others". The wife said: "I went, hoping for the joy of others. You'd have to be crazy to volunteer for this trip." His father-in-law replied that he had only suggested it because he thought the others were bored.
And they sat there, stunned that they had gone on a trip that neither of them wanted. Each of them would have preferred to enjoy that day in peace.
Example 2
Personally, I know another version of the same story, this time in Russia. The case is absolutely real.
One young man began to take care of the girl, and trying to impress, said he just loves to go to the theater. He said it because he thought all girls loved the theater. In addition, he bought a couple of tickets to a boring production. Girl appreciated his refined nature, although theatres not very loved. Trying not to lose face, she said that she, too, just loves productions.
This cute lie would have been all, however, each of them remembered that the other is an avid theatregoer. The relationship they had and trying to make each other pleased, they began to give tickets and regularly attend theatre performances. Until one day, during some quarrel, they found out that both just hate going to the theater. Moreover, the more they played the role of theatergoers, the more they hated it. It turned out 15 years later.
They were pretty cute and funny stories. However, it happens that succumbing to group thinking, people do quite unpleasant things to each other. Especially this phenomenon is rife in sexual behavior. I won't delve into the theme of this issue, just believe that because of this, many problems arise in the relationship.
What is the cause of the "Abilene paradox"?
Trying to adapt to others, a person does not Express his dissatisfaction with what is happening. While the other person does the same.
The reason for this paradox lies in one false belief that " it is necessary to please other people." It sounds very noble, but as a result people do what no one needs.
The second reason is that we do not know exactly what other people think and what they need. In fact, we know this either from their words or from our own guesses. But as we know, people lie, and our guesses are often wrong.
The third reason is the lack of communication and sincerity between people.
Do I need to adjust? Or the paradox of convenience.
The paradox of convenience lies in the fact that the most harmonious relationships arise when everyone cares first of all their interests. This may seem strange, but it is with this approach that relationships are formed that best meet each other's needs.
Concessions are necessary only when a person directly asks for them. When we adapt to a person based on our own guesses, we often do him a disservice.