Recently received quite interesting letter on subject "Love dependence in Internet" in rubric " Questions and answers." For starters let me give you his, and then dam its the answer author anonymous messages.
Hello! To be honest, it was hard for me to decide to write this letter. It's about love addiction on the Internet, I think my case is not quite usual. Because I experience this dependence on a female psychologist, with whom I recently exchanged several letters by e-mail (we are from different cities).
When I decided to turn to her, I saw in her only a good psychologist, absolutely not expecting further. It's not the first time I talked with a psychologist online, but I have never met such a wonderful attitude to myself, such understanding, sympathy, desire to understand everything and support morally. Then she offered to continue working in Skype, but I refused, because I am low on funds and, in General, I do not have Skype.
I looked at her blog, publications, and it confirmed my high opinion of her. A most worthy woman, I knew few like her, with such qualities of mind. The fact that she considers it her duty to help people gratuitously in the analysis of difficult life situations speaks volumes. Before we said good-bye, I realized she meant a lot to me.
She is 33 years old (I am 35), she has her own family, but even if she was free, it made little difference. She stands above me socially. so in the intellectual, besides, I believe. that I look bad. I don't think I'd write or call her, although she said she'd always be glad to see me (probably just out of politeness).
It's a shame we'll never see each other, at least it's highly unlikely. If you are interested in what problem I addressed, then I was experiencing a break in contact with a woman with whom for some time I was friends by correspondence in social networks (we never met in real life), and to whom I had serious feelings. She is also married and is about 50 years old.
I've had a lot of help, but I'm probably back on the same rake. You may recommend paying more attention to personal communication in real life. But the fact is that all my life I was surrounded, to put it mildly, not very nice people, and, accordingly, I try to reduce communication with them to a minimum. Apparently, this influenced my attitude to the world around me, I would not say that I am particularly interested in communication. Thank you for reading, thank you in advance for the answer.
The answer to the anonymous question " Love addiction on the Internet»
From the letter it is clear that the reason for Your difficulties is not only in love addiction, as You suggested. In any case, the love addiction here is secondary to the main problem.
The main problem is the fear of communication, which is what You write at the end of your letter. You write about your attitude to the world, that you try to reduce communication with other people to a minimum. You write about the fact That you were surrounded by not very nice people, probably hostile to You, because of What you were once forced to defend yourself and decided that the best way to protect yourself is to close yourself off from people, to minimize contacts with them.
You are so attached to this” protection " that I was warned in advance that I did not advise you to communicate with people in real life. Probably because you understand that this is what You need. Like any person, You need close communication, understanding, sympathy, but You are very afraid to get close to someone. You both want and don't want intimacy.
Trying to get out of this internal conflict, You have found a more or less secure way to communicate-via email. In case, if someone offers open up slightly more (for example, start communicate through Skype), you stop communication. The lack of Skype is not too serious reason, it can be started in a few minutes, which means that it is just a convenient reason to refuse to open up, as well as constrained financial opportunities.
Your feelings for a female psychologist and another woman you corresponded with arose because they gave You what you needed — intimacy at a distance. Unfortunately, such intimacy is incomplete and most people are not satisfied. You could get a lot more yourself if you let yourself be more open. But fear limits You. But it is easier to overcome it than it seems.
It is the fear of communication is your main problem. It is this fear that prevents you from being happy and finding the intimacy that you need. Because you do not have full intimacy in real life, you are forced to project your need for love on any people who have shown concern for you.
It should be noted that” love addiction " occurs in relation to a certain type — a married woman, a psychologist. Why this category of people? First of all, because psychologists show attention and sympathy (give what You need), but do not require rapprochement(and this is not even welcome). To ensure that no rapprochement will not, you choose the object of love from another city, and even married women (reinsured).
On the one hand, you write that you regret that you will never see the person you like, but on the other hand, You did everything to ensure that this did not happen. Starting with the choice of the object of love, ending with the suppression of more open communication.
After all, it was not necessary for love, and so she's been very understanding, sympathy, desire to understand and give moral support, but to keep his distance. It made You feel a little happier and get a piece of what You were starving for — intimacy. It was a way to get intimacy without intimacy. Here is such paradox.
In Your letter I noticed a lot more, for example, the idealization of a female psychologist, as well as the devaluation of yourself. But, unfortunately, the reasons for this I can only guess, because I lack information about Your life situation.
Now about how to overcome fear
You have already begun to overcome your fear of communication when you started the correspondence, but you do not dare to go further. Try Skype, or better yet, face-to-face consultations. Many psychologists are willing to advise for little money.
Each time you should go a little further, open up more. A psychologist will help you find the balance of frankness, teach calm, smooth, but close communication.
Once you acquire the necessary skills and patterns of communication, the fear will go away, You will become more confident, and the quality of Your life will grow many times.
To do this, you just need to take the first step. It's scary, I know. It's like jumping into cold water, you have to close your eyes and just do it. Don't let yourself stand still or run away. With each victory over fear You will feel freer.
Forget about your appearance, about social status and intelligence. For everyone in this world there is a piece of happiness. When You stop separating from people, love will be found for you. To separate from people means to separate from life, because all the benefits in this world we get only through people.