According to psychologists, shame is the most useless and destructive emotion. The person enslaved by this feeling is keenly aware of his personality being suppressed. He feels both psychological and physical discomfort: heart palpitations, blood rushes to the face, ears and neck, the head becomes heavy and falls by itself, and the back stoops. Perhaps each of us at least once experienced something like this, and he shamed others.
What is shame
Shame is an emotion we experience because of our sociality. It's the fear that society might reject us.
Karl Marx described shame as"anger only turned inward." And this is true: we get upset, then get angry at ourselves or other people who made us do something, and then we can start being ashamed of our thoughts again. A vicious circle of negative and heavy emotions is formed — it is extremely difficult to get out of it.
Sometimes shame turns into a chronic form, and then a person can not get rid of unpleasant thoughts about his own imperfection and inadequacy.
This condition has a number of dangerous and even terrible consequences: serious violations of self-esteem, psychological problems up to obsessive-compulsive disorder and self-inflicted pain, the emergence of unhealthy eating habits, depression, and in the most severe cases — suicide.
Shame or guilt
Shame is often confused with guilt, but the latter is a very important emotion, and it is useful to experience it at least sometimes.
The feeling of guilt, the "pangs of conscience" known to everyone, arises as a reaction to a specific act that seems negative to us. This is something deeply personal and inaccessible to outside observers. Shame, on the contrary, is public: it is formed under pressure of society or its part.
Guilt is constructive and directed at one thing ("I did wrong — how to fix it?"), shame also implies a negative assessment of all themselves ("I'm a bad person, ""I always behave badly").
Shame is destructive, because it does not point the way to correction, but only emphasizes our failure and makes us increasingly tormented by the question, and not in vain do we exist at all?
This sensation leads to the production of large amounts of corticoliberin in the hypothalamus. It, in turn, affects the pituitary gland, activates the production of ACTH (corticotropic hormone), and in response to this, cortisol is released from the adrenal glands. The result is a stress reaction that has hypophosphorous effect: the person feels sluggish, removed from what is happening around. Sometimes there is a feeling of" distance " — as if watching the situation from the side. In this state, we are most vulnerable and receptive.
What is the difference between male and female shame
It is believed that women are more likely and more acutely feel shame and guilt, but in fact, as statistics show, there are no special gender differences.
We are all ashamed equally often — but for different reasons. And it's again in the stereotypes imposed by society.
For example, women tend to have complexes about their appearance and physique, and those of them who lead a rich sex life also experience more pressure from the public than men-philanderers. But women can (according to society) show sad emotions and even cry, but the "stronger sex" is mainly ashamed of their own tears and weakness in General.
The personal vulnerability researcher Bren brown in his lecture "Listen to the shame," notes another characteristic difference:
"Shame for a woman is a web of conflicting expectations and unfulfilled desires associated with her ideas of who she should be. Men don't have cobwebs. They are ashamed of only one thing-to appear weak."
In post-industrial countries, this contradiction is particularly noticeable: a woman should build a career, maintain a house, raise children-but not too fixated on them; respect her husband-but at the same time be an independent person.
The unspoken demands of society form fertile ground for feelings of shame and public censure.