Today we used to go to a friend's birthday party, sit in a pub, and the children asked outside. “Mom, can I go outside?” I find it so strange that they ask for permission, because I never punished them, deprived them of sweets or cartoons, did not pick up my computer, did not lock myself in the room, did not refuse to hug. The need for my consent was somehow spelled out there, and it spelled itself out, without killing the nails, "You must obey me." Why are they listening to me? Why is it enough for me to say, "Well, only there, on the street, people, you have to play so as not to disturb anyone" - and to be sure, without going out for the next hour to check what exactly will happen?
For five long years, I have thrown stones, reaping regular doubts and condemnations, never allowing them to remain in a cursing image, never punishing anything. Two simple principles.
Relationships first and foremost
No one should ever fall asleep with an insult.
Whatever difficulties we face: a clean room, a fight, a broken promise of a non-fulfilling obligation - relationships above all. Questions to yourself - WHAT will our relationship be as a result? Can we retain two pillars - trust and respect? How to save them?
I'm not a holiday, often tired mom with two robots and five hours of sleep. I regularly explode, bark and threaten. My children are well aware that I will not carry out my threats, as I will not throw "this fucking Aipad" in the trash, do not throw unclean toys, do not leave their arms before bed. I will not go to sleep until we have discussed everything, I will not cry, I will knock on their insults, I will sit silently until we both cool down and find words that will go into the embrace, which will go warm there, under the ribs, the knowledge, that you are not alone. As I cool down, I walk around the room like an annoyed wolf and come again to say that they are my heart and that I am in pain and that I know that it hurts them, but we are family and we will manage because they are good and good, and I'm good and good, well, just like that, so too, it happens that everything hurts, but we are here for each other.
When building a home, the foundation is a painstaking and thankless activity. So you want to hang the blinds and pictures and buy a vintage locker, and you wait for the cement to dry. And others have beautiful shield houses, and they already decorate, and you wait, all in an empty box, until the cement dries.
Attachment is, in its deepest sense, the feeling of a child's secure dependency being the foundation. If you can wait, the cement dries, and then it becomes very easy. And if you hurry up, and the horseradish with it with the foundation, you can not stand the strength, you need to obey unquestionably in 2 years, because if you scare or punish, it is at once silk and comfortable, and spits on the foundation, and paints faster, raw. And then cracks. Furniture does not rise in a rough corner. The tile goes sideways.
It is possible to paste the inflammation on the nozzles and the patch, bite, plug, and it will become temporarily fast and convenient. You can pour a belt when jumping on the couch, and then dump on genes and manipulations when nothing is poured, and he does not want you, either with a belt or with a gingerbread.
The journey to a thousand leagues begins with one step. The path to a thousand leagues consists of thousands of steps. This is the way mom and baby go, and along this path, their legs are strengthened and they learn to go a thousand leagues. And they can go a hundred times a thousand more, through school, kindergarten, teenage years - they have learned to go together, they trust each other. They have a foundation that is nothing to be scared of.
I want to support all the parents who take pens for the hundredth time in a year, who patiently tolerates a tantrum for the second time, who copes with "no" for the 100th time, I don't want "," you are bad "in three and four - all right. Who defends themselves, who defends their children against all the good wishes to pour them the first number, and does not pour, who goes to reconcile again and again after another quarrel, who again and again forgives himself and the child after the next breakdown - and there will be many, again takes responsibility for itself, grows, decides, holds on and protects, as a pupil of the eye, these two pillars in you both - yourself and your child - dignity and respect - it will all come back. This hard work, these investments - they are coming back.
The lightness, freedom, independence, trust returns. The fact that the child forgives you another break not from fear of losing you, but from the fact that he has the foundation to forgive. The freedom in which you no longer have to read his phone or check his diary - he will say so if something is wrong.
Going for the distant purpose of your deep principles is always difficult and thankless work in the short run, and more reliable in the distant. This is the only way skyscrapers stand - on a solid foundation. And now we have such a job - wait patiently for the cement to dry.