"I did not like to be pregnant. Already at the first child not really and at the second even less ". Such statements are not often heard from mothers, shame is far too great. I talked to a psychologist and asked her why this topic is so taboo and if such mothers are the exception.
In all magazines and media pregnancy is presented as the most beautiful and fulfilling experience ever. 9 months of self-discovery and symbiosis with the child growing up in the abdomen. Sure, there is the "morning" nausea (which actually lasts all day) and other little woes for the girlfriends and mother always have a good tip ready. You wave it off and keep hearing "Oh, that's just part of it," or "It's quite normal, you have a life," or worse, "You did not want it any other way." But what about the deeper-seated emotions that bother a young mother for 9 months?
First of all, there are more unfortunate pregnant women than you think. Not only do they suffer from their guilty conscience of not being able to enjoy the pregnancy, as stated in the "Parents" magazine, they especially suffer from the taboo subject, the sense of shame, and the isolation that goes along with it.
The pregnancy, this trial of patience and identity crisis
For some women, the pregnancy feels like life is challenging them to the last corner. All of a sudden, it is important to make his often girlish body available to an adolescent, ignorant of how it will change. "Many women experience this process as a loss of control and this is often associated with fears," explains Carole Bourreau Dijon, a graduate psychologist.
We have to learn to accept the many contradictions and deal with them. Learning to take control of your body while assuming responsibility for another person. A big deal, so. In some women, this loss of control triggers absolute panic, they start to control their eating habits, do a lot of sports and, wherever possible, to summon a balance. They feel circumcised in their freedom, a feeling that intensifies over the course of the 9 months, as soon as they realize that this belly physically limits them a lot. "The uncomfortable body sensation, which occurs especially in the last 3 months, can lead to deeper sadness and desperation. The young mothers feel trapped in their bodies and fight again with the contradiction that the baby should finally come. I'm not ready! ' The bad part is that they seldom address this deep dissatisfaction, as society has drummed into them - as pregnant women, you have to be happy and full of anticipation, "explains Dr. Bourreau.
"We live in a society where body cult, thinness, and control are still very omnipresent. In the media, you only see happy pregnant women. Complications or unpleasant side effects are presented anecdotally and as isolated cases, but they are part of it. This gives many women the impression that a pregnancy equates to 9 months in paradise and they feel sad or have a guilty conscience if everything does not go perfectly ".
In reality, very few women feel that way. The baby is not even there and they are already asking you to be perfect. They must not drink, smoke or eat raw milk products, they should not jog or dance too hard. Again and again, they are made aware that the carefree part of life is over for now and yet they should look to the future with confidence. The hair is greasy and the skin is full of pimples, everywhere it pulls and pinches it. You oil yourself constantly so that no stretch marks arise and you have a weight in the head that you would like to exceed in any case. What pressure!
Every pregnancy is unique
There is hardly a women's topic that is talked about so much before, during and after. Every woman has her anecdotes and stories because every pregnancy is unique. Those who want to have children listen in awe as young mothers report their experiences with great pride. After all, there is hardly anything more exciting than creating human life.
But it is also the time when all the uncertainty of the past is revealed in the pregnant woman. All of a sudden you are confronted with your mental weaknesses, you wonder what kind of baby you were then and worry about the often difficult relationship with your own mother. For many women, this is the time when there are going to be clarifying conversations in the hope of giving birth to their own child again to make a real clear ship. Suppressed topics, problems, and fears that have been repressed for many years, reappear during pregnancy. Ignoring or displacing it further can lead to a later baby blues.
"For birth, vouchers for massages, manicures, and cosmetics are often given away, measures for external well-being. But often a visit to a psychologist would be a better gift, "says Dr. Bourreau. "Women lack the much-needed space to speak openly about all these changes in body and soul."
Difficult pregnancy but a great mother
It is important to distinguish between unwilling to be pregnant and love for the growing child. Because difficult pregnancy does not mean that one will be a bad mother later. It may well be that a woman had terrible and sometimes marginal thoughts during pregnancy and found this time terrible, and then turns out to be a wonderful, loving and caring mother.
"What's important here is that the pregnant woman shatters her guilt feelings and, if possible, discusses them with a therapist in order to handle this difficult time well. Guilt and shame hinder the process and should be quickly discarded, "explains Dr. Bourreau continues.
Guilt feelings Ade
Being pregnant means learning to let go. Watching the body change without being able to really influence it. But nowadays the concept of "letting go" is far too often negatively affected and equated with "loss of control". This gives many pregnant women the feeling that they are not doing something right because their pregnancy is not as "perfect" as it should be. But even if women did not have bad experiences, there is no pregnancy without fears. New and complex issues always trigger anxiety. Therefore, it is not surprising that anxiety is also a normal phenomenon during pregnancy.
Also, the feeling of failure often sits in the boat. Thoughts like, "Apparently, everyone's happily pregnant, and I'm a failure" or "I'm moody and cry a lot and I'm scared that the poor kid might hear that I'm not very happy," are not uncommon. The irony of the whole thing: If you throw the guilt overboard, you have more of a chance to enjoy a happy or passable pregnancy.
"Admitting that being pregnant is not tantamount to being happy, and lots of affection from your partner, friends, or helpful relatives are the best ingredients for this intense time," Dr. Bourreau off. Amen.