THOA/Chapter 28

"How are you?" - "I'm great,

"How are you?" "I'm fine..."

Smiley faces hiding the truth behind

Our shallow texts on the Internet...

I am waiting for you to go ahead.

You have no idea how bad I feel

Trying hard to go after what is real.

You will never know I am burning up

Burning up with love, fear of losing you

I'm aware this way I might end up bad.

But I'll end up worse off without you...

Olive wrote her verses on notebook pages at night, tore them to pieces and wrote again. She was ashamed to publish them online not because the verses were rather weak. They were just devoted to the person who was not supposed to read them. The person's name was Daniel.

Oh, what she wouldn't give for another day spent with him in Arkhangelsk, and especially another night on the Lamp factory building roof!

No, Daniel didn't disappear from her life as she had dreaded lying on an upper berth of the train back to Moscow and weeping quietly in her pillow. He hadn't fallen for her, it was obvious from the very beginning, when he saw her for the first time. He had stayed solely out of pity. On the way back home Olive wept and mentally prepared for the end of their online communication; if Daniel didn't remove her from his friend list straight away, he would definitely stop texting her. But on her arrival she found out that not only he hadn't removed her, but he had also texted her first on the icq. Moreover, they actually arranged their next date in Arkhangelsk, in winter this time, on the Christmas holidays. it uplifted Olive and gave her hope. And, along with that hope her sufferings blew up with renewed vigor. So the bittersweet succession of four months' wait had begun.

But Daniel kept a distance. He never spoke of love; no "I miss you darling" sort of talk, not a single phrase, maybe a trite one, but so natural for people in love, came from him. Just occasionally his replies contained rare smiley faces or slight hints which might be understood both as a tiny bit of interest or sheer indifference for her. It was quite enough to keep Olive burning day and night.

That whole thing with Nickey had also escalated the situation. Olive couldn't figure out who she was in Daniel's life. Just a friend? But Daniel had spoken of that Nickey with such warmth... And what had Nickey's phrase about them being "so very close" meant? What was that "so very close"? Daniel couldn't be asked about that for he would either dodge the question or bring home to Olive that she had crossed the boundaries and her scenes of jealousy were, to put it mildly, a bit inappropriate.

Olive had almost given up eating and sleeping at night. She had become thinner in the face; her gaunt features had sharpened, eyes got large and luminous with constant suffering. Her whole look was inspired and unhealthy at the same time. 

"Dazzling lights... Neon signs..."

On her way from work to the university, on rainy autumn evenings those neon signs and dazzling lights of a big city pressed on her inflamed brain. The big city with its bright lights and intrusive advertising, traffic jams, noisy, crowded streets suffocated her; and, not knowing how to link it all to the condition of her sick soul, she tried to make up verses.

The dazzling lights. The neon signs.

The flow of cars. The crazy crowds.

The freezing rain. Reality.

The vortex of insanity.

Oh God how sick I am of this!

Where are you? Help me, help me, please!

Can't take it anymore, I can't...

You're not around... I am dead...

However, Olive wouldn't be caught dead showing her verses to Daniel. She would just burn with shame if he found out something. Besides, the unresolved situation regarding Nickey still remained. Olive knew that Daniel didn't have internet access at his place so he would come online from Nickey's computer. On the one hand, Olive wasn't quite happy with it, but on the other she realized it was the only means of communication with Daniel so far. If there hadn't been Nickey, Olive would have had no other way to contact Daniel via icq at least. So they went on texting to each other as friends not showing the least sign of anything else, but Olive was fine with it. She was fine with anything but losing sight of him.