Freddy Got Fingered is one of the most nauseating, unfunny and unpleasant movies I’ve ever seen. When the credits rolled I was left angry and depressed. I wasn’t even happy it was over, as having survived this miserable film meant I’d be haunted by it for the rest of my life.
Gordon “Gord” Brody (Tom Green) is a 28-year old slacker that lives with his parents and dreams of becoming an animator. Unfortunately, he suffers from an undiagnosed mental handicap (or that’s how I interpreted it), has no social skills whatsoever, and his ideas are bad. After his dreams are shattered, he proceeds to ruins the lives of everyone around him, beginning with his father (Rip Torn), whom he accuses of being a pedophile and of molesting his younger brother Freddy (Eddie Kaye Thomas).
Watching Freddy Got Fingered will open up doorways into your imagination you never knew existed. Watching the loathsome Gord act a fool and torment those around him, only to score with a wheelchair-bound hottie that loves giving oral sex (Marissa Coughlan as Betty) will cause you to fantasize about increasingly violent forms of suicide until you either turn it off or turn your anger towards Tom Greene and his then-wife Drew Barrymore, who also appears in the movie. Usually, I try to be fair with a film, but not today. It’s time for me to get some payback after sitting through this miserable abomination.
I’m shocked that Tom Green is out doing his thing and not locked up in some moist basement being tortured daily by viewers driven mad after seeing this movie in theatres. Freddy Got Fingered firmly pronounces itself as a zero star film seven minutes in when Gord stops his car to fondle an erect horse penis and never recovers. This “comedy” is filled with gross-out jokes that are never funny and often involve animal carcasses or dicks. You would think that something would eventually stick, but no. Freddy Got Fingered will forever remain a blight on the careers of everyone involved and is bad enough to permanently write-off the usually charming Drew Barrymore. Some might say that being married to the anti-funny Tom Green for a year or so would be punishment enough but I’d love to punch her in the face for good measure. Not since Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie have I loathed any film this much.
Freddy Got Fingered is one of the worst movies of all time. Don’t watch it, not even out of curiosity. On top of being badly directed, written, and acted it also suffers from being the worst type of film possible: a comedy that’s never funny. You can’t even enjoy it ironically. I’m trying to think of a use for this film… maybe if you’re some kind of coward and you want to break up with someone, you could use Freddy Got Fingered to convince them to leave you alone forever by pretending that this is your favorite movie, but even then I don’t think so. Going through with that charade would require you to a) own the film b) watch it for more than thirty seconds and c) hide all nearby sharp objects and rope-like materials. Besides, you shouldn’t want your future ex to die, you should just tell her honestly how you feel. That’s much more sensible.
Freddy Got Fingered is not a misunderstood monster or a gem that most people simply didn’t “get”. It’s an offense to humanity, a film that should be destroyed. If you like this movie or think it isn’t that bad I hope you get buried alive in flaming diarrhea while rabid dogs slowly pull out your intestines with their teeth. (On DVD, June 4, 2014)
