Exam was behind. He was sitting on the bridge staring at his sneakers hanging down against the background of river. Although he lived in this town all his life, he never have been there. School, library, duties...Life passed away so fast that he did not understand how it happened that he is an adult now. Was he ever been a child? Was he ever been a teenager? Where did the time go?
Awards...Study...Lose...Tears....Loneliness...Study....Awards....and that was all that came to his mind when he tried to recall to mind about his past.
Did it worth it?
" At least I am going to study at the best university abroad. A completely new life will start for me. Of course it worthes it. I won" - he smiled widely and felt a lightness inside his heart. He deserves it all. He did it right.
Suddenly he mentioned a girl standing next to him. He knew her. She went to the same school as he. She was in a red prom dress. Her black hair was not in a braid as usual. She was happy.
" I lost" - she said. " I studied hard than everyone else, but I lost. Is it fair?"- she staired at him with a wide smile.
He had no idea what to respond. He knew that she was one of the best students. He did not expect that she will lose.
" You think that you exchanged years of your precious life for continuous studying in a room and you think that it worthes it, right? You think that your choice was good, because you got the result, right? But ....what if there was no result? Just imagine...Would you think that you lived your life correctly?
" I...I don't know" - whispered he.
" Look. We were enemies. We were enemies till now. All of the time you hated me and I hated you. Why? For the fool reason. For the numbers on the computer screen. For the words of random adults whom we call teachers. We were in belief that we must hate each other. However now you see that I am not your enemy. I see that you are not my enemy. You are both just human beings who just desired to be happy. But...Why we used to think that the only way to be happy we was wasting our time to study and anxiosness? Why we could not just relax? Why we were not truly interested in science? Why we did not just study together? Because we never had our own opinions. We always did what we were told to do. We always tried to DESERVE freedom, love, happiness. In reality we always deserve it all without studying and being humble, right?
We used to think that all of that adults love us. No, they loved us only when we completed their wishes. If we get 100%, then we are good, but if we get 80%, then we are bad. So we must try to always get 100%. Then 100% becomes normal thing. We must do more. Win awards. Be the first. Be the best. There is only one place for the best. It should be mine or yours. It can not be our. So we start fighting. Otherwise we will face the lose, hate and....pain. Why they cannot accept us if we lose? Why? Why they always used to tell us that art was a trash. Games and friends are the waste of time. Why did we believe them? Why we lost ourselves in order to not be punished?
Silly shit... We are both losers. We are the foolest people in our school. We never did what we wanted. At school we lived according to the rules and expectations of principals and teachers. At home we always were under the control of our parents. Even at other places we always chased the voice telling us what to do. Are we robots or human beings? When was the last time you felt yourself free and alive?
We thought that we were better than anyone, but in reality we were dumb sheeps without freedom to decide. We were meant to accomplish tasks given by other people. We used our whole life and potential to make real other's dreams about us.
But what is our true dream? Who are we without all of these awards? Who are we out of school? Who we are when we don't have to be "good student" and "good child"? Hm??
Even our friends were chosen by the system. They are not our true friends.
Everything is so fake. Isn't it?
We know that study is boring, but we hate those who did not study as hard as we do. We know that we want to play or have a fun, but we are too scared to do it, because having fun is a waste of time. We must study instead of living.
I am sad. Not because I lost at the exam, no. I always knew that I will lose. The exam's result never depend on my knowledges. There are people who are capable of playing with my life. No matter how hard I study, they can ruin my resluts easily. They have power. They have access to my results. So I see no reason to continue studying so hard. Do you understand?
It does not mean that I am worse than you, it just means that you are needed but I am not.
To be honest, I am truly happy for you. You deserve it. I wish you all good. But promise to live. To live truly. To be free. To fly.
" Ok.." - was his answer.
I am free, too. Now I can disappoint everybody in myself. Now I am not a humble one. Now I am out of the game. They used me and through away as if I was a trash. Now I am not a player.
There are things that you don't know. You don't know, because you study all the time. But life is not about books alone. It is not. Life is about people. Peole love easy ways. People love unfair games. People love killing those, who are stronger that they are. People love controlling everyone. Keep it in mind, ok?
No, actually we don't have to understand what I am saying. You are ready for your next tasks. You are perfectly ready for their aim. You are smart, but not very much. You are all what they need. You will always be smart enough to do your tasks, but fool enough to stay inside of system.
I am not normal for them. So I lost. It is not about the amount of information that I learned from school. It is about my personality. They do not like who I am. And I hate them, too.
" What the fuck are you talking about? Are you drunk? Are you insane?" - he said.
Maybe... Maybe... Do you really think that only drunk and insane people can say the truth?
Okey then. I am sorry. I am not drunk. I never was. But something always was wrong with my life. I don't know what. I always wanted to live alone. Far from people. Nature, art, books, death... It was my true desire. Not marks. Not awards. Boring shit. Boring race. Now I hate everything. I hate you. I hate all the world. I want to start again. I would never study hard. I would be myself no matter what others say to me or do to me. I want to give away all my awards and perfect marks and to be a free and alive again. But I can't. Maybe I am acting as a drama bitch. I don't know... I just lost myself. I don't know what am I. I feel as I slept for 18 years. I feel as I was in a prison for 18 years. Now I am awake. Now I am free. But ...what should I do next? I have nothing. Not even a dream. University, work, love, fame, family... Is that the maximum that is waiting for us? Human brain has a power to change the whole world. 1000000 versions to live a life in that way. But they never will let us to live that way. I don't want to become their weapon. I also don't want to become a loser. What should I do?
Not in a system. Not outside of system.
Oh, I know! She looked at the river and jumped down.
Water circles. Sigh.
He stood still for a moment. And went away from the bridge. He felt nothing.
" It was right that we get rid of her" said the voice inside his head. And he smiled.