A couple of days ago I visited my parents at their place. We have some kind of a ritual. When i come me and my dad watch 2-3 movies. Mostly classics, horrors or thrillers, the ones we both like. Then i cook something , we chat a little and then i go home. I enjoy these silent Video-marathons. My mum usually stays in the kitchen and watches her own shows. She is not a big fan of the film that me and my dad like. So that Sunday went as usual, except for 1 thing. I came home with a very strange feeling. It was growing like a snowball untill i couldn't ignore it anymore. It became so overwelming that i got scared a little.
I thought maybe i was homesick. But it cost me an arm and a leg (almost literally) to get out of my parents' home, so it would be absolutely impossible me wanting go back there voluntarily. Don't get me wrong, i love my parents a lot, but their love (mostly my mum's ) has gotten a bit suffocating over the last 5 years or so. So it wasn't homesick. Bit it was something-sick, i couldn't quite figure out what exactly.
And then i got an idea. This year has been an extreme one for me. Noone got sick, thank God, but i had to deal with a whole lot of stuff (my own tiny business, new appartment, losing a best friend), and out of the blue i find myself sitting in my own appartment (yeah!) in the dark yearning for the time when i didn't have to decide anything. It was so warm and cosy. It came with a price, you had to deny everything i wanted and everything i thought i was (because my mum new better), but there we no worries (if i could make rent, or find enough clients or have enough money for a living...).
I don't know why this weight of the world feld so heavy exactly them. I still can feel it now. I love my job, it's filled with my blood and sweat. But sometimes (today) i feel on egde of dispair. I want to run away somewhere , to the place i won't have to make decisions, tough decisions all the time.
I hope, i know this moment will pass and i'll feel ok again, but somehow it doesn't let go.
Question of the day: Have you ever wanted to go back to your childhood?
