What is the relationship between being a child and becoming a parent? How to manage difficulties and moments of crisis in the relationship with a child?
The following article tries to answer these questions, also offering food for thought and suggestions on how to deal with growth and times of crisis in an evolutionary way.
There are two lasting legacies we can make to our children. One is the roots. The other is the wings." (Hodding Carter, Jr.)
Becoming a parent certainly involves achieving a new status for which, however, you do not receive an "instruction booklet", which sometimes makes (even...) tiring, stressful and worrisome this delicate as well as important "job".
"Change" is undoubtedly the key word when dealing with the transition from being a couple to becoming a "family". However, it will remain a fundamental word not only in this important phase of passage and inclusion of the new member, but for many and many years, during which the family will face countless changes, related to the phase of the life cycle of its members and the various challenges that existence, from time to time, will put in front.
In fact, there are various "developmental tasks" that, by becoming parents, one has to face. In the meantime, the balance of the couple itself is modified, and the relationship is reconsidered and modified, so as to allow the entry of the new member; then there is the assumption of parental roles and functions: the birth of aspects closely related to the care, care and protection of the child; the choice of the type of educational attitude, etc..
But this is not all, the couple (as for the individual members who compose it ...) has the challenging task of reconsidering relationships with their parents.
Being parents and children are therefore two closely interconnected dimensions.
Parenthood can in fact be understood as a space, both intrapsychic and relational, in which the entire emotional and personal history of each of the parents comes into play. This "story" includes one's own "having been children", one's own affective experience in the family, but not only. It encloses the entire wealth of affective experiences of the individual who, little by little, during the course of his life, is getting richer and richer, precisely because he continues to experience important relationships, of attachment and care, with significant people. This is a baggage that progressively changes, connects and reconnects, requiring, from each one, continuous reworkings...
It seems that the very capacity of the parental function, in its aspects of care but also of capacity for emotional regulation, depends on this work of reworking.
> Of course, this "capacity" is not to be understood in an absolute way, as something that is or is not there, but rather as a capacity that is articulated in different and different ways, both from one parent to another, both with respect to the same individual, in relation to different moments of the life cycle and the continuous significant relational experiences that are experienced during the course of existence.
But how is a parent born?
Is the biological aspect and everyday life together enough to give life to a parent?
Of course, the psychic and relational dynamics involved in the birth of parental functions are much more complex than, at first glance, it might seem. It is not the simple generativity that gives birth to a parent, but rather his ability to include the aspects of care and responsibility of his child within his own definition of identity (Ferrari, 2015): this implies a questioning of all the "roles" related to the identity of the person.
Paradoxically, even a parent who abandons his child will still have to deal with the definition of identity that this type of choice entails.
This is, of course, a circular type of dynamic: even the child will base the construction of his identity on the fact of "being the child of".
This helps us to understand how the two dimensions (being a child - being a parent) are immediately deeply linked: when this child becomes a parent, in fact, its definition of identity will be enriched (with the acquisition of the "status of Parent"), but it will always be in relation to his "being, or having been, a child of".
This certainly does not mean that anyone who has had a negative experience of parenthood within their family of origin is disadvantaged. You can learn a lot from a negative experience and evaluate what you want to take with you and what you want to change.
Starting from your own experience is therefore a real and great resource!
What if the crisis makes us feel trapped?
Will I be a good parent? Will I be doing the right thing? Why is my son not following the rules anymore, he rebels, he's aggressive?
These and many others are the questions we often face in our clinical work with families.
So what should we do?
In the meantime, it is essential to bear in mind that being faced with difficult situations is part of the normal evolution of our life cycle: growing up means learning to manage these difficulties.
We must also consider that often we can do very little, directly, compared to the behavior of the other (even if it is a child), but we can do a lot about the way we perceive, then deal with and manage a difficult situation. Therefore, recognizing and coming into contact with the emotionality that a given situation triggers, is an aspect of fundamental importance. Often, in times of crisis, it is difficult to stop for a moment and to consider one's own position, but in this way it is possible to create vicious circles, which end up exhausting the people involved and the relationships. It is also very important to be able to express one's own experiences, also in the relationship with children, in order to promote a climate of mutual listening and understanding.
Another fundamental aspect is to set oneself objectives with respect to the difficult situation one is experiencing: what can I do to manage it? What is not working in the relationship with our son? This helps us to reflect and discover new and alternative strategies, never considered before.
Obviously, there is no right way to act, but everyone has their own uniqueness to respect and to deal with in their experience of parenting.
Finally, if the situation is perceived as tiring and you have the feeling that you can not cope alone, it is important to ask for help to a psychologist, who can help to start a process of change, whose direction will be determined by its uniqueness!