Self-esteem is a person's opinion about himself, during life we form, complement and change this opinion, comparing ourselves with other people. Phil Zimbardo, a well-known social psychologist, believes that in making this comparison, it is important to understand and keep in mind that:
1. The main role here is played by who is appointed by the icon for comparison. If you take a very talented or brilliant person as a basis, you initially doom yourself to total failure. Such people can be seen as a model or ideal for their own motivation to move forward and develop. And not in any case, as a point of reference. These people are naturally endowed with outstanding talents and they can admire, learn from them, but not turn into a yardstick for comparison.
A colleague of mine compared himself to Milton Erickson, the great hypnotherapist of the 20th century, the “father” of almost all the most effective techniques in psychotherapy, lamented that he was far from perfect in his work. And it grieved him greatly. He spoke negatively about his work, considering it a pathetic semblance of an ideal, berated himself for mistakes, often engaged in self-flagellation.
He did not want to take into account the difficult facts of Erickson's biography: he was twice ill with polio, was paralyzed completely at a young age, managed to recover himself, but after the middle of life there was a relapse of the disease and until the end of days Milton remained in a wheelchair.
I once asked him if he wanted to go through all that to be Erickson. The question made him think. The price of the result is always important, it will be discussed further in the 3rd paragraph.
2. In our time of preaching success and competition, we lose the value of the process of simply enjoying life, being in the moment, in the here and now. We need to constantly look to the future, set goals and achieve them.
Choosing to compare with an inadequate sample, you initially lose. It plunges into frustration, feeling of impracticability of result and vain expectations. Being in such a state for a long time, a person loses faith in himself. The ideal result becomes a constantly receding horizon and the pleasure of development and moving forward does not bring joy. All success is devalued in the pursuit of an unattainable goal.
3. Now the price! When we "make a deal with the devil" we don't think about the price. And it would be good to understand that we have to pay for success. What will be our life, what will be required to sacrifice, etc. Seeing the external gloss, we do not want to delve into how a person came to this. Perhaps if we knew what it would cost us to achieve this goal, we would not spend our lives on it so uncontrollably.
4. All the attractive and desirable attributes of happiness. which we draw for ourselves: beauty, intelligence, success-conditional concepts. They are dictated by the standards of time and place, the characteristics of a particular culture, the conditions of society. They are not the ultimate truth and are subject to constant change. We create a trap for ourselves when we perceive them as something absolute, whether we possess them or not. Standards have a habit of changing and then the comparison criteria will again have to be adapted to new conditions.
5. It is important to realize “Who needs it?"And why?” Are these goals and desires really Yours or are they determined by other people's scenarios. Because such ideas were accepted in the family, culture, environment, social norms, mom\dad said that it was important. Someone believed that You definitely need to be, become, have, achieve, possess, do not miss, achieve, etc. Does it make You happy, does it bring something very important and valuable for You? And, assuming that You alone exist, quite independently of others, what would You do then? It takes courage to choose your own path and reject other people's plans.
Our teachers , parents, relatives, social institutions write scripts for us. Some of it is really useful for us and we accept and use it throughout our lives. As a rule, such attitudes do not go against our values, they help us to live and make decisions.
Often we do not realize that we have already “swallowed” other people's plans and scenarios and begin to reproduce them. Everyone knows the limits imposed by society: men should not cry, and women should be wise and forgiving, girls should be soft and gentle, and boys – strong and strong.
On the one hand we are required to be like everyone else and keep a low profile, and on the other to be special and extraordinary. So it turns out, as a Russian fairy tale: go there. I don't know where, bring it, I don't know what.
Mom, based on her experience and history, gives her daughter negative messages about relationships with men. The Pope expects from his son special success, perhaps such that he was not able to achieve. And life is built, as in a sad anecdote-were “" I wanted as a child to learn to play the violin and become a musician, but my parents did not want to send me to a music school, and decided that I should become a doctor. But my son will definitely become a violinist!”