This article will focus on how to build boundaries in relationships, as well as how to build boundaries with complex people. As the opposite party can be not only the husband or wife, but also any other people: colleagues, friends, girlfriends, etc.
Imagine the following situation: a married couple comes for a consultation with a psychologist. She complains that he constantly raises his voice and calls her "bad words", and he in response claims that he does so because she is constantly trying to control him and meddle in their Affairs. When they begin to discuss, it turns out that:
* she's really trying to control him because she feels like he's giving her less attention than before;
* he really pays less attention to her because she constantly "sticks" and "nags" him;
* she really "nags" him because otherwise he doesn't do anything she wants.
Here is one of thousands of life situations, associated with lining up borders in relations. As you can see, affected emotions and behavior, and most importantly — the responsibility for what you do in a relationship. Let's figure out how to build relationships with loved ones and not very people.
Laws and regulations: for whom?
The first thing to understand is that the boundaries you build are not for another person, but for yourself. That is: suppose we are talking about two adjacent States, one of which you — the most important. You set the border line of your state, not the neighboring one. You determine the rules of conduct and laws in its territory. Neighboring state somehow without you all will establish and define, don't worry.
You can't control other people's behavior, but you can control yourself and your life. Therefore:
* Think about this: what is your status in this relationship? Are you subservient, are you equal, or are you enslaved?
What are you willing to tolerate and what are you not willing to tolerate? What you agree to and what you don't agree to.
* Determine what the consequences will be if something happens that you are not willing to tolerate or to which you do not agree.
* Remember that there is no point in trying to control the other person, for example by deciding, " Now you will never use rude words to me!"It has nothing to do with the establishment of borders. Set the boundaries in this case will be, for example, so: "I am not ready (s) to tolerate rude words in my address from anyone. If this happens in our relationship, I will leave the room immediately or end this conversation.«
* Boundaries can relate to emotional intimacy or, conversely, distance. For example, your boundary can be set as follows: "If someone behaves friendly and positive enough to me, then I can open up a little and become closer to him.«
• You may need to discuss new boundaries with your partner. This is perfectly normal and can lead to the fact that the partner will correct some of his behavior. Or maybe not :) But you will already have an understanding of their own laws and regulations.
As for that example about two spouses on consultation at the beginning of article: you see that each of them tries to establish laws for another? How could they each set their own boundaries and try to discuss them constructively with their spouse?
Another example: the spouse is constantly, for various reasons, late for dinner. A wife and two children wait late, disrupting their desired diet. The wife repeatedly tried to persuade and threats to force her husband to come on time, which caused her husband a defensive reaction and aggression. As a result, the wife decided that she would no longer violate the children's diet, which she informed her husband, adding that dinner would be waiting for him in the refrigerator. After that, the woman with the children returned to normal schedule, not counting on the appearance of the spouse — and not angry with him for another delay. As a result, after a while, warming up a cold dinner in the microwave a few nights in a row, the husband began to come more or less on time.
The concept of " You are not me. We are different»
According to the psychologists of J.Townsend and G. cloud, who wrote a bunch of popular books about borders, including the book "Marriage. Where is the border?"(Boundaries in Marriage), it is very important to understand that your spouse (spouse, friend, partner, colleague — Yes, anyone) is not an extension of you, and is not created to meet your expectations or fulfill your desires.
Therefore:
* Give already in late-all different man the right to live their lives. Make your mistakes. Err.
* Respect the other person's choices, even if you don't like them or if you wouldn't. Don't be like a wife who would give her husband a weekly row about "If you really loved me, you would go to Church with me!«
Building boundaries with complex people
Let's just say that building normal boundaries with complicated people is... complicated. When I say "complex person," I mean the whole spectrum of diverse personality and character traits. As a rule, it quickly becomes clear to you that before you the difficult person, difficult. That you will have to make an effort to build a constructive relationship with him, and, quite possibly, your plans for friendship and communication with this person will not come true at all.
The main reason for this, according to American psychologist Julia Hanks, founder of the family therapy center, is the initial disrespect of complex people to your boundaries. They may unconsciously or knowingly deny you the right to any boundaries. Therefore, as a result, they will constantly somehow violate your boundaries and cause you pain. In fact, it often happens that this is the only strategy they know for communicating with other people. There's no other way they can communicate — or can't.
So what to do if you have to deal with such people every day?